


I'm Sorry I Love You

by Rosalynd



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Caring Patton, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flirting, Holding Hands, Hugging, I Love You, Intense crying, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Moceit - Freeform, Romance, Sobbing, Virgil Logan and Roman are meanies, desperate love, emotional janus, everyone hates Janus except Patton, love sick Janus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:55:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28883511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalynd/pseuds/Rosalynd
Summary: Janus and Patton are good friends, but Janus found himself completely in love with Patton. He didn't know if Patton loved him back, but what he did know was that Logan, Roman and Virgil hated the sight of him. Janus is left in turmoil as to how to proceed with his strong feelings.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Moceit
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	I'm Sorry I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> CW: Intense crying

Janus loved Patton with all his heart. 

He and Patton had become closer since the day he told him that he agreed with his points about Thomas’ self-care. Patton always had a smile for him and enjoyed his company, but the other sides continued to be suspicious of him.

He did not know if Patton returned his feelings; Patton was very affectionate to his friends, so the way Patton hugged him, held his hand and smiled at him might be him just being nice to a beloved friend. 

Janus was delighted to be his friend if that was all their relationship amounted to, however, it was getting harder and harder to keep his feelings from bubbling over. 

He wanted to return Patton’s affectionate gestures, but he found himself nervous to do so as he felt the other sides’ stares burning into him. He worried that if he so much as touched Patton without Patton initiating it, he would be tackled to the ground and banished from ever visiting Patton in the light side ever again. He would be accused of manipulating and lying to him. 

Janus would never do that. Never. But the light sides wouldn’t believe that.

Janus came to the light side house. He tentatively walked into their living room, hoping in his heart Patton would be there because otherwise he would be stared down by three sides.

He turned the corner and- shit. Patton was not there.

“Hello, everyone.” He greeted, trying to keep his voice level.

His greeting was not returned with similar platitudes. It was met with a roll of the eyes from Virgil, a scowl from Roman and a blank stare from Logan. He swallowed and adjusted his grip on his staff. He felt his chest and stomach tighten and prayed for Patton to come back as soon as possible. 

“Patton just went to the bathroom.” Logan said, his eyes now back on the book he was reading. Janus nodded.

“Okay.” His voice was a little breathy due to his nervous state.

There was an awkward few minutes, then he heard footsteps.

“Janus!” Patton excitedly greeted. Janus instantly smiled when he heard him and saw him approach him.

“Hello, Patton.” He said, then he was thrust into a hug. He tentatively returned the hug, allowing himself to relax a little. 

“You okay?” Patton asked when he pulled away. He might have picked up on his slight nervousness.

“Yes, I am. Especially now I’ve seen you.”

“Awww, Janus!!! You’re so sweet.” Janus could feel the scowls from the other sides. They thought everything Janus said was a lie. “Come on! Let’s take a walk.” 

Patton held his hand, making Janus’ heart jump a little, then they headed outside into the gardens.

The gardens were a beautiful place. All the sides had a part in designing it. Well, all the light sides. It was full of flower beds, benches, hedging and even some fountains and sculpture.

As they walked, Janus let himself smile. It was lovely to be alone with Patton, breathing in fresh air, without any of the other sides inspecting him.

Patton understood him; something that the others refused to even try to do. Yes, Janus did lie sometimes, but not all the time. Patton knew that, and Patton was starting to be able to pick up on his sarcasm and his lies. He never got angry at him though; Janus and Patton made a good team, and so Patton would often explain to him why the lie he wanted Thomas to tell was not so good after all. It was lovely not being alone anymore.

Patton suddenly gasped, bringing him out of his stupor. 

“Look at that pretty flower!” He exclaimed as he let go of his hand and ran to the flower beds a few feet in front of them. Patton crouched down, and Janus leaned over him when he finally reached him.

They were yellow roses.

Patton spent a few moments just looking at them, then he picked one from the bed. He stood up and turned to Janus.

“It matches the yellow on your clothes!” He said excitedly.

“So it does.” Janus smiled slightly.

“And your pretty snake eye.” When he said that, Janus noticed he became a little sheepish. It made Janus’ mouth go dry.

Patton then took a step forward and tucked the flower behind the top of his cape, the bud blooming next to his collar.

“Seems like a waste to just leave it here.” He said. Janus stared down at the rose, dumbfounded at the gesture. Patton smiled at him.

“Thank you.” He barely got the words out.

Patton grabbed his hand again and they continued down the path.

Oh, Janus loved Patton so much. He wanted to have the strength to return those gestures without worrying the other sides will think he’s manipulating Patton. He wanted Patton to kiss him and Janus wanted to kiss him back with the same energy.

They stopped at the bridge, and Patton let go of his hand and rested his arms on the wall, staring down at the river below. Janus stood next to him. After a few moments, Patton leaned his head on Janus’ shoulder.

“I love spending time with you, Janus.” He said softly.

Janus felt his heart swell with love. He made his staff disappear into smoke and rested his head on Patton’s. He brought a hand up to hold Patton’s elbow. He had an urge within him to hold him as close as he could.

“I love spending time with you too.” As he said that, his voice was very faint and soft; his desperate need to hold Patton was showing in his words.

That night, Janus was sitting on his bed thinking about Patton. Did Patton love him? Was he foolish to think that Patton would love him? 

Janus knew that he couldn’t possibly openly express his love for Patton because the other sides would not allow that, or at least they would highly disapprove, regardless if Patton loved him or not. He didn’t want Patton to get on bad terms with his friends, even if they did hate his guts.

He groaned, throwing himself back on his bed. He could not hide the fact he was completely in love with Patton forever.

Janus came over to visit Patton again, and found that he was not in the living room once again. Only Virgil was.

“Hello, Virgil.” He greeted.

“Hey.” He said from the sofa. After a few moments, he got up and Janus saw in his peripheral vision that he was approaching him. “I know that you and Patton have this thing going on. The only reason we are letting you interact with him is because it seems to make him happy.”

Virgil sounded very hostile. 

“You don’t control me.” Janus remarked.

“Yeah, well, even though Patton seems happy, I don’t trust you.”

“What a surprise.”

“So if you ever hurt Patton in any way, I’m gonna make it so you never interact with him again.” Virgil gave him a stern look, then headed upstairs.

From the outside, Janus didn’t look affected. But on the inside, his heart felt like a stone. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone to be with Patton? They think he has a huge master plan where he’s going to manipulate Patton to do something for him. It wasn’t entirely unwarranted, but Janus was doing his best to make Patton happy and move on from his past mistakes.

“Hey, Janus!” Patton greeted with a smile. He hugged him and Janus hugged back with one arm. “You alright? You seem tense.”

“Oh- yes. I’m fine. Just need some fresh air, I think.”

Patton paused for a moment, probably considering if he was lying or not. “Okay, then let’s go.” He grasped his hand and they walked out.

Janus felt sick to his stomach all day. He tried to appear normal for Patton, though. He hated seeing Patton upset.

  
  


That night, Janus felt a knot in his chest. He was terrified of his feelings for Patton. Before he let them be as he could still be near him being his friend. But now it felt like the other sides would have his head if they found out that he loved Patton. 

They would never accept that. They might tear Patton away from him at any moment and convince him he’s not to be trusted again. 

Janus had visions of the light sides convincing Patton that he was a villain and Patton crying and yelling at him for lying to him and manipulating his feelings.

Janus felt a stone in his stomach. He felt like he might throw up.

Janus could never stop feeling the way that he did. 

It was never going to go away.

He had to go.

He had to see Patton.

He had to tell him his feelings and beg him to not let the others manipulate his words.

He had to do it now. Before any of them had the chance to soil it.

He stood up from his chair and ran out of his room and out of the dark side house.

He ran through the gardens towards the light side.

Patton was in the living room with his tea. He was talking to Logan when he happened to glance out of the window and saw a figure running.

“Is that Janus?” He said. His eyes widened when he realised that it was indeed him, and put his tea down and ran out. The other sides peered out of the window and saw Janus, wondering what he was going to do.

As Janus neared the house, he saw Patton come outside.

“Janus? Janus!” He called. Janus slowed as he got closer. He stopped, looked at Patton and went to speak.

Suddenly, all his words and feelings seemed to get caught in his chest and he found himself starting to cry. His throat tightened and tears formed. A sob escaped his mouth. Then his sobs became more and more heavy and he collapsed to his knees. He brought his hands to his face and he cried into his palms. 

“Janus!!” He ran to him and got down on the ground. He held his shoulders, looking at him wildly as he had never seen Janus cry before. “Janus, what’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong!” Upon asking that, Janus’ sobs turned to wails, his body buckling over even more.

“Oh Janus! It’s okay!” Patton suddenly said, throwing his arms tightly around him. When he did, his hat fell off onto the ground. “Oh, Janus…” He stroked his hair and back, hoping to soothe him a little.

“I’m sorry!” Janus yelled, his voice muffled against his shoulder and his hands.

“Whatever are you apologising for?” Patton said. Janus sobbed out another apology.

The other sides had heard the crying and came out, ready to yell at Janus for making Patton cry, but then were shocked when they saw that it was Janus.

They all took a few steps into the grass, but they were still far away from the couple. Virgil took a few more steps.

“What happened?” He asked meekly.

As soon as Virgil spoke, Janus pulled his hands from his face and threw them tightly around Patton, crying harder. Patton held him closer.

“I’m sorry!!” He repeated. It was all he could get out.

“Whatever you think you need to be sorry about, it’s okay. You know I don’t hold grudges.” Patton said, hoping to comfort him. His heart saddened when he kept crying.

After a few moments, Janus tried to control his crying so he could talk.

“I’m sorry that I love you…!” He said, then sobbing.

“I love you too, Janus! You don’t need to feel sorry for that.”

“But I’m...I’m Deceit. I can’t be trusted no matter how hard I try…” Janus’ voice was wobbly.

“You’re  _ Janus _ . You’re not just Deceit. You are understanding of problems, you want to work with me to help Thomas and you realise that lying is not the solution to everything. You are kind and you are loving. You are intelligent and funny. I love you for being willing to work with me. I love you for how wonderful you are.”

Janus lifted his head from Patton and pulled away. Patton felt such sympathy for him when he saw his red, tear-stained face. He held his face gently with both hands.

“I love you.” Janus said, a sob escaping. “I love you for accepting me...and allowing me to change. Allowing me to move on from my mistakes and treating me so kindly. I’m sorry I rarely returned your loving gestures- I was scared…!” He sobbed again.

“That’s okay! Just know you don’t need to be scared anymore.” He wiped his tears with his thumb. “I should have told you sooner that I loved you.”

Janus shook his head. “No, I planned it so that I would cry my heart out to you to confess it.” Patton giggled at his sarcasm.

“Come inside, let me get you some tissues and make you tea.” He then saw Janus glance up behind him and his smile fell. Patton turned his head and saw the other sides watching. He looked back at Janus. “Pay them no mind. They are not going to shoot you rude glances anymore.” He said the last sentence, slightly louder, looking at them. “You all think I don’t notice it, but I do.” The other sides turned their gazes in shame. “Let’s all be respectful, okay?”

He turned back to Janus. “Come on.”

He helped Janus up and everyone went into the house.

Janus sat on the sofa. It felt like he was intruding because he was never allowed to spend long in their living room. He sniffed.

“Here you are.” Patton said, handing him a box of tissues. “The bathroom is up the stairs if you want to wash your face.” He flashed him a smile.

“Thank you.” He smiled back. Patton then went off into the kitchen. He took a tissue and began to wipe his face, then Virgil sat down near him. 

Janus suddenly felt nervous. He turned his head away, feeling weird being so vulnerable in front of him. He wondered if he even believed his tears. He wouldn’t put it past him.

Virgil sighed. “Look, I’m sorry for...threatening you. I see that you really care about Patton, and Patton cares about you for some reason. So, I’m sorry...and…I hope you two will be happy together.” 

Janus was beyond surprised. “Thank you, Virgil. That means a lot.” He said, his voice soft and strained from crying. 

Virgil then got up and headed upstairs.

“Do you need anything, Janus?” He heard Logan ask. Janus was taken off guard, so much so he didn’t answer. He just stared at Logan. “It’s okay, I’ll get you anything you need.”

Janus shook himself out of it. “N-no. Thank you, Logan.” Logan nodded and headed into the kitchen.

Roman sat down a few feet away from him on the sofa and unpaused a film he was watching. 

After a few silent minutes of Roman watching it and Janus sniffing and wiping his nose, Roman spoke.

“Have you ever seen this film?” He asked him. Janus perked up and looked at the screen. 

“No. It...it looks good though.”

“I’d highly recommend watching it.” Roman said.

Then the conversation was over.

Before Janus had a chance to process that Roman had spoken to him normally, Patton came over with their tea.

“There you go, Jan.” he said. He set down the two mugs, then walked around to sit next to Janus. “You feeling better?”

Janus nodded. “Yes. A lot better.” He grabbed his mug and took a sip.

“Good.” Patton then kissed his cheek, which made Janus infinitely more happy. 

“Patton?”

“Mm?”

“Can I sleep here tonight?” He asked quietly. “I...I don’t want to be alone.”

“Don’t you have Remus?” Roman asked.

“No. We don’t really interact too much, and quite frankly he annoys me. He always disturbs my sleep with his random outbursts.”

“Of course you can. You could sleep with me in my bed? But if you’re uncomfortable with that, you can sleep on the couch.”

“Sleeping with you sounds nice.” Janus smiled.

Patton climbed into bed next to Janus.

“I apologise for the state I was in...I must have freaked you out.” Janus said.

“Don’t apologise for your feelings!” Patton exclaimed, putting a hand on Janus’ shoulder. He was now sitting up next to him. “I’m just glad you came to me with them.”

“I have loved you for a long time, but I didn’t know if you felt similarly, and I was worried your friends would not like it if they found out. I was terrified that if they found out, they would manipulate my words to you and make you hate me.”

“The way the others think, it’s understandable. I don’t want Thomas to be a manipulative liar, but I don’t even think that’s what you want.” Patton then held Janus’ hand. 

“No...it’s not.” Janus held his hand back, smiling.

Patton then leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on the corner of Janus’ mouth. Janus was surprised for a moment, then moved his head and kissed him fully. It caught Patton off guard, but then he melted into it and held Janus’ face gently.

When they pulled away, they looked into each other’s eyes, still smiling. “Thank you.” Janus said quietly.

Patton leaned over and planted a kiss on his forehead. He pulled away from Janus and clicked his fingers, making the light go off. “Goodnight, Janus.”

“Goodnight, Patton.”

They then shuffled down under the covers. They lay close to each other and Janus put a hand on Patton’s chest. Patton put his own hand on top.

“Patton?” Janus said after a few silent moments.

“Yeah?”

“...can...can you hold me?” Janus felt a little foolish asking such a question. There was a small silence, and embarrassment flooded through Janus as he thought Patton felt offended by the request.

However, he suddenly felt an arm go under him and one over him. Patton shuffled close to him, making Janus’ head go into his chest.

“Is that okay?” He asked.

“Y-yes!” He said, bringing his hands up to rest on Patton’s arm. He then felt a bloom of desperation inside his chest; he needed to be closer to him. He wrapped his arms around Patton and pressed himself into his chest.

“You’re squeezing me…” Patton said in surprise.

“I’m sorry- I just-“

“No! No, I love it.” Patton squeezed him a little back.

“Can we stay like this for a little while…?” Janus whispered.

“Of course.” Patton felt so much emotion rise to his throat. “I’ll hug you for as long as you need me to.” 

Patton’s voice was the softest Janus had ever heard it, making Janus almost want to cry out. He felt so lucky in that moment, and he wanted Patton to hold him forevermore.


End file.
